Louts on Mothers
Published 12:00 am Thursday, May 5, 2005
For the louts that will forget Mother’s Day, the next TV Survivor series will feature six married men that will be dropped on an island with one car and four kids each for six weeks. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes. There is no fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of bills with not enough money. In addition…each man will have to budget money for groceries. Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment, and an appointment for a haircut. He must also make cookies and cupcakes for school and other social functions.
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times. The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV in the house. Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every repulsive character in cartoons. The men must shave their legs; wear makeup daily, which they will apply themselves either while driving or making four lunches. They must adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, and keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed.
During one of the six weeks, they will have to endure severe stomach cramps, backaches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must attend weekly PTA meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park. He will pray with the children each night, bathe them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7.
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A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor’s name. Also the child’s weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child’s favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up. They must clean up after their sick children at 3 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.
Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks. And get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice…If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years…eventually earning the right to be called Mother!
A mother I know explains why she robbed a bank …she also had a job. In prison she spends the majority of her time in an 8×10 cell, but at work she spent the majority of her time in a 6X8 cubicle. In prison she gets three free meals a day, but at work she got only lunch and had to pay for it. In prison she can get time off for good behavior, but at work good behavior just got her more work. In prison the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for her; not at home. In prison she watches TV and play games.
In prison she has her own toilet. At work she had to share, and idiot males always left the seat up. In prison they allow her family and friends to visit. At work she couldn’t even call home unless it was an emergency. In prison the taxpayers pay all her expenses and no work is required. At work she paid all the expenses to get to work and then they deducted taxes from her salary to pay for keeping people in jail. In prison you spend most of your life behind bars wanting to get out. But after the killing rat race at work and home she needed a bar. In prison she gets along pretty good with the warden. At work they are called stupid managers. So she held up a bank.
After reading the Mayor’s State of the City speech I was ashamed that I hadn’t realized I
live in Utopia. Then I read it again and it registered that 90 percent of the positive happenings he spoke of were the results of Suffolk’s great economic team. No one else should get a dimes worth of credit. Suffolk’s location, space, and proximity to scads of military bases are why we are being filled up with tax producing light and clean industry, thanks to our team’s skill. The highly billed hotel and cultural center are a long way from proving their worth and hope does not a tax rate change make.
If tourism is responsible for filling up our motels, inns, and restaurants, then a lot of travelers have been convinced there is something unique about Suffolk that I have not noticed. If 8,899 persons visited our Visitor Center, an average of 25 tourists per day, I’ll give that credit to the director. As for education, it is still a basket for receiving zillions with no effort by anyone to correct a bad situation. It will take awhile for those moving into our area, because of new jobs, to realize it. Fancy buildings do not a prepared for college student make. As for those big boats tied up for the day’s hoopla, were they guests staying at the hotel, or locals who need a free slip, or merely collected from affluent citizens to dress up the marina dedication? How long will they be there and why?
Robert Pocklington lives in Suffolk and is a regular News-Herald columnist. He can be reached at robert.pocklington@