To the new kindergarten students

Published 6:01 pm Monday, September 7, 2009

Congratulations, children. You are now 5 years old, and entering the wonderful world of kindergarten today.

You have a long, long road ahead of you, but you don’t even realize it right now. You’re currently trying your hardest simply to remember which classroom is yours and to master phonics and addition.

Some of you might be dealing with tougher things, things I never had to handle at such a young age. You might have lost a sibling or a parent recently, or maybe you have a chronic illness. You might be getting abused, or have a friend who is. Maybe you don’t have enough food to eat, and for that, little children, I am truly sorry.

Most of you, however, will make it past the tender young age of 5 before you have to deal with anything so heavy. It only gets harder as the years go by.

As you get older, you’ll likely start having an identity crisis. Some of you will know exactly who you are, and go out of your way to make that known to everybody. Some of you will be so confused you won’t have a clue who you are.

The older you get, the meaner the words your friends learn are. Some of them might call you stupid or gay, but just remember that nobody who calls you that is ever your friend.

As you get into middle school, it gets even worse. You hit puberty and all the changes that come along with that. Some people you know might get pregnant or become addicted to drugs because of their poor choices. The schoolwork gets harder, and the members of the opposite sex become more attractive.

In high school, things get really intense. If you’re a good student, you’ll be continuously stressed over class rank, advanced courses, GPA and college admissions.

But never fear, my friends — once you get to college, the good times start rolling.

When you get to college, that’s when you’ll figure out many things — who you really are, who your friends really are, and what you really want to do with your life. You’ll stay up late for no reason, and enjoy waking up for class the next morning. You’ll pull dozens of all-nighters, get an F on at least one assignment, and hopefully participate in at least one extracurricular activity.

And if you haven’t had to deal with the death of someone close to you by the time you’re in college — well, the odds are against you.

While all this was going on, the national debt climbed ever higher and the nation shoveled itself into an ever-deeper hole. It will be your responsibility, children, to pay all that money back, and you can thank the good old federal government. I hope you studied hard in college to get a good career — you’re going to need it.

So, children, that’s the outlook for you in about 17 years. Makes you think twice about taking that step into kindergarten, doesn’t it?