A few New Year’s confessions

Published 7:31 pm Thursday, December 30, 2010

As I said last year, I’m no resolutions guy. I don’t set goals that I try to accomplish by year’s end. Last year, I shared my list of truths in the new year, the things I have chosen to accept about myself.

But since I feel we’ve grown so close in 2010, good people of Suffolk, I feel it necessary to unburden myself and reveal some things about my past columns that may not have been entirely true.

4First of all, even though I said that I would back in April, I have not taken as many walks as I had wanted to. Even though I found such joy in the activity of a nice, brisk morning walk, I must confess I have not had many since that wonderful day. In fact, with the exceptions of driving in my car and slipping down about half a flight of stairs in the snow, I’ve hardly moved faster than a snail all year.

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4Sadly, I am not yet, in any way, involved in the moviemaking industry. Despite all the inspiration Gabourey Sidibe and the Oscar excitement may have provided me back in March, I have not yet gotten over that hump into moviemaking stardom, just in case you were all wondering. But that ship has not sailed, either.

4Even more sadly, I am not the master of leftover-ology I claimed to be back in November because, like so many of you, I had way too much food from Thanksgiving to discard. But, believe me when I say there was no one who worked harder at polishing off that feast than myself. So great was my commitment to finishing all those past-prime vittles that I sat in front of my fridge with a turkey that was slightly gray and a bottle of Pepto-Bismol, and I thought to myself, “One should cancel out the other, right?” Luckily, the fresh Chinese food leftovers lured me away from making what could have been one of the biggest intestinal mistakes of the year.

4Lastly, good people of Suffolk, I regret to inform you all that I do not, in fact, have a doppelganger. It was I, and not my ghostly counterpart, that took on the Baronator at Baron’s Pub last January. And I confess this to you, Suffolk, not just because the meal went against my true mission of becoming a healthier person, but because those on hand had to watch me spill ketchup on myself and try to devour what seemed like the equivalent of a Buick Regal in one hour. It could not have been a pretty sight to see me practically unhinge my jaw and attack food so viciously. For that I truly apologize.

More than anything, though, I must confess what a joy it has been sharing my ideas, stories, and my peculiar life with you all in Suffolk. To all those who recognize me when I am out and about tell me how much you like my column, I thank you.

So with all these burdens lifted from my very heavy frame, I am free to enter the new year unfettered, unpressured, and unassuming. I look forward to seeing what I’ll do and say next and what you all will say about it.

Happy New Year, Suffolk.