A man on a downward spiral

Published 10:00 pm Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Man, I feel good about myself. Just between you and me, I’m not a bad guy. Got a lot going for me, you know. Feel like I’m on top of the world. Sky’s the limit! Done a lot of good stuff, I tell you. Finished school. A great job. Good marriage with kids. Retirement funds.

Yessiree, when I survey the landscape, it looks pretty good. Got a lot to be proud of. And I have confidence, too. Walk around with my head up high. Even a little cocky sometimes.

Hey, I help people, give to charities. Even go to church. Been known to put a little extra in the offering plate. I treat people nice, watch what I say. Hardly ever get mad. Pay my bills on time, mostly. I do a lot of things right, I tell you.

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People see me coming and want to shake my hand. Feels good to be known. Just between you and me, I feel pretty special.

Got nothing to be ashamed of. Well, not too much, anyway. I did say something to my wife the other day I shouldn’t have. But I’m only sharing this with you. I should never have said it. And, just between us, it wasn’t the first time. It was so stupid of me.

Now that I think about it, I’ve done a lot of stupid things. That incident in the sixth grade. And teasing that girl in the ninth. And that accident. Man, I’m an idiot. Hurts inside my belly when I think about all that stuff. What was I thinking?!

And I can’t change any of it. Not a cotton-pickin’ thing. I hate it! I’m no good. Not really. A fake, I tell you. Not worth anything. Never done anything really good. A whole life of regrets, piling on top of each other.

Why, if people knew what I was really thinking sometime, they’d probably spit on me. If you want to know the truth, I’m a rotten fellow. A hollow shell of a man, good for nothing. If I were honest with you, I could tell you a whole lot of stuff. Bad stuff.

I’m nothing. Worse than nothing. I can’t stand myself. Such a fake. Such a low-down, dirty, rotten fake, who has done terrible things, couldn’t get anything right and said horrible stuff. I am nothing, nobody, pitiful.

I hate myself.

REX ALPHIN of Walters is a farmer, businessman, author, county supervisor and contributing columnist for the Suffolk News-Herald. His email address is rexalphin@aol.com.