This column will change your life

Published 7:56 pm Tuesday, January 29, 2013

By Rex Alphin

Do you yearn for a change? Does your life seem like one long line of disappointments? Does the thought of another day cast a dark veil of hopelessness around you?

Glance over at your husband. That’s right, over to your left. Is he sitting there, half spread out on the couch, belly exposed, holding a half-eaten bag of chips, crumbs all around, watching his third football game in a row? Did he just belch?

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And you husbands, glance to your right. Is she staring at you? Is she saying something about the dripping faucet, the worn-out carpet, the last time you took a shower? Did she just mention something about your mother?

Is your life droning on and on, like a plane going in circles, searching for a place to crash?

Then this column is for you! Forget all the things you’ve tried in the past. This column will change your life forever! Yes, this very column. If you will but read this, we promise a revolutionary change.

The research has been done. You no longer have to live in the dreariness of everyday life. Thousands have tried this and give testimony. We promise — even guarantee — within a short while you will spring from your bed and dash into another day. No more headaches. No more pains.

And how does this sound? Your children and grandchildren will become smarter! That’s right. An increase in IQ has been measured. We’re talking valedictorians left and right. Can anyone say “Ivy League school?”

With this column, you can increase your income! Bigger house? Go for it! How about a new car? Trade in that clunker you’ve been driving for something with style. A life of leisure is at your beckoning. You deserve it.

And that spouse you’ve been enduring these last four years? Why, he or she will become irresistible. Trophy wives and trophy husbands.

And ladies, remember those dresses in the back of the closet you hoped to fit into again one day? Pull those wardrobes out. No more love handles for you. You’ll be smarter, richer, thinner, healthier and happier, just because of this column.

We make this offer today and today only. Act now! This is your chance!

Now, admit it. Be honest with yourself. Don’t you feel better already?

Rex Alphin of Walters is a farmer, businessman, author, county supervisor and contributing columnist for the Suffolk News-Herald. His email address is