The human-smartphone wedding
Published 8:09 pm Wednesday, June 11, 2014
By Rex Alphin
We are gathered here today in the presence of many witnesses, to join together in matrimony these two.
The act of entering into this union should not be taken lightly, as such obligation involves both parties striving toward one and necessarily requires both patience and commitment.
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It will demand the exclusion of all other relationships, human and/or otherwise. You each must recognize your need for the other and allow no obstacle to deter your mutual affection.
Please face each other. Human, repeat after me:
“I, before these many witnesses, take thee to be my constant companion. At you will I glance before retiring each evening, and it is your face I will see and examine before rising each morning.
“Neither hurricanes nor tornadoes nor any act of God shall separate us. To you will I adhere during all activities of the day, whether meals or conversations, whether work or play, whether church services or school assemblies. You shall be my constant companion. Should human conversation interrupt our connection, my allegiance is to you, for all others can and should defer.
“I freely admit my need for you and readily confess the awkward emptiness that ensues in your absence. You are my personal security, my self-validation and my primary means of expression.
“In uncomfortable situations, I shall turn to you. When bored, I shall turn to you. When afraid or intimidated, I shall rest in the assurance that you are there, waiting for my interaction.
“Whether you ring or vibrate, I find happiness in your voice. Your very position, as you lay prostrate in my hand, gives me comfort as your surface and my flesh become one. Let nothing come between us as we seek to deepen the bonds that so tightly bind us together.
“I, therefore, take thee to be my constant companion, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.”
And now, having formalized your vows and the bond between them in your presence and mine, I therefore, by the powers vested in me as Judge of the State of Virginia, do pronounce you husband and wife.
You may now connect.