Q&A with Dr. Carletta Perry: Wanting the wrong person

Published 9:31 pm Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Q. As a man, why do I often want the woman I know I don’t need?

A. Hello and thank you for asking this question.

Most men never want to discuss this matter. They rarely can see what the choice is costing them, and they tend to overlook most of the person’s negative or destructive qualities.

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In fact, relationships of this type can be or become emotionally abusive, physically abusive — and often, for men, financially draining. Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself.

This is a very complex question but I will give you a partial explanation. The rest may require more information during a one-on-one session.

Last time I wrote that attraction is complex. One of the things that makes attraction so complex is that we are often intrigued by the things we don’t have — and that may include the characteristics of a man or a woman.

For example, a person might think, “You are different from me; you are interesting; I want to save you; I can fix you; I have to help you; you make me feel special or loved in a way that my past (or current) significant other does not; or (my favorite) every dude I know would be jealous if I had you! Therefore, I am attracted to you.”

Obviously this is not how it comes out verbatim, but believe it or not, this is how it often happens. In addition, men and women can sometimes forget all about what they have or what’s important in a relationship and begin to focus on what they think they need.

If you haven’t fulfilled those needs (for example, the need to feel important), you can begin to think other people can do so, and then you begin to search until someone comes along and tells you just what you want to hear or makes you feel just the way you want to feel. But often it is not real.

The good news is I think you already know this, because your answer was in your question: “the woman I know I don’t need.”

Never become so blinded that you can’t see what’s really important.

Dr. Carletta N. Perry offers therapeutic life, relationship and career coaching. Catch her television show, “It’s Life Changing with Dr. Carletta Perry,” Sundays at 11:30 p.m. on WSKY/SKY-4 and on YouTube. Email her at contact@drcarlettaperry.com.