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Why didn’t Tarzan have a beard?

By Cal Bryant

Do you experience days where you wonder exactly why things are the way they are?

If the number 1 is pronounced one, and the number 21 is pronounced twenty-one, then why isn’t the number 11 known as onety-one?

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale pieces of bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted; musicians denoted; cowboys deranged; models deposed; tree surgeons debarked; and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Most mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks. Do Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

Why do they put photographs of criminals up in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their photos on postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they’re out delivering the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new will have materialized?

How do those dead bugs get inside enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? And whatever you knock over is always more expensive than the item you attempted to catch.

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer, when we complained about the heat?

I’ll close with this thought: A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine. A day without sunshine is like … night!

Cal Bryant is editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Email him at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com.