Looking forward to October surprises

Published 10:06 pm Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Something craven infects political candidates as the days dwindle down to a precious few, especially when prospects for victory appear slimmer than an emaciated giraffe in a funhouse mirror.

It may be darkest before the dawn, but for those scheduled to be executed at first light, the darkness triggers a kind of dastardly creativity that those made of lesser stuff might characterize as desperation.

The late-hour slandering of an opponent has come to be called the October Surprise, and considering the volatile history of this year’s campaign, we should be prepared for copious disclosures of gargantuan proportions.

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Not mere October Surprises, but October Lightning Bolts Tossed by Odin Himself, October 80-Megaton Hydrogen Bombshells and October Exposes That Will Make Your Mouth Hang Open Long Enough To Attract Bottle Flies.

And with one week of November in the mix this time around, even more delicious, salacious wickedness awaits.

Here’s a sample of the expected and unexpected we can expect in the final five weeks of this — the most important election of your lifetime. Yes. Again.


Breitbart News discovers that when the first words of Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails from October of 2009 are arranged chronologically, a love letter to Lucifer is revealed in which she calls him “Smoochie.”


Moveon.org posts a video of Donald Trump shouting the phrase “You’re fired” to photos of family members.


During the vice presidential debate, moderators and Longwood University audience members inexplicably fall asleep. Later the CDC dubs the new phenomenon “MDHS: Mass Droning Hypnosis Syndrome” and urges the FCC to prohibit future events from being broadcast on car radios.


Fox News interviews a high school classmate of Hillary Clinton, who recalls the future secretary of state going door-to-door supporting Barry Goldwater and referring to Lyndon Johnson as “a southern- fried booger.”


Photographs showing Donald Trump poking a group of special-needs preschoolers with a stick are laughed off by the candidate as “political correctness run amok.” His poll numbers rise.


En route to a campaign stop in South Carolina, Hillary Clinton rushes into a burning building to rescue a litter of newborn kittens. Her poll numbers do not budge.


Donald Trump explains that pushing an old lady in a wheelchair down a flight of stairs was a therapeutic attempt to jar loose her cramped muscles. His poll numbers rise.


Bill Clinton is revealed to have adopted the Twitter handle “Carlos Danger Jr.”


Hillary Clinton trips on a curb, and Sean Hannity calls for her withdrawal due to her obvious incurable case of metastasized brain cancer. Her poll numbers drop.


Murky footage from a surveillance camera of Donald Trump shooting a stranger in the middle of Fifth Avenue in New York City racks up 3 million hits on YouTube in four hours. His poll numbers rise.


A report surfaces that Donald Trump has a calendar in which October has 32 days. The candidate agrees many people have told him this. Important people. Top people. Despite evidence to the contrary, supporters feel in their heart that it must be true and make plans to vote a day late.


Trump loses.

Will Durst is a columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager. Visit his website at willdurst.com.