pantyhose just don’t mix

By AMY S. LANSDON

The cooler temperatures have been nice over the past week. They really put everyone in the spirit of homecoming, football, the Peanut Butter Festival and fall festivals at local schools. I love the cooler temperatures. It’s easier to breathe and do things outside without absolutely burning up.

But there is a down side to cooler temps. If you wear a skirt you have to wear tights or pantyhose, which can sometimes make for an uncomfortable day.

My problem with pantyhose starts the day I go to the store and buy them. I have to stand there and read the size chart on every package on the shelf. It think the manufacturers of the pantyhose put the charts on the back for two reasons – to confuse and to humiliate.

The confusion comes when you try to decipher your height and weight. Okay, if you weigh 150 pounds and are 5’7" then you need a size ‘B.’ But if you weigh 98 pound and are 6′ tall or weight 250 and are 4′ tall you are out of luck because they do not make panty hose for people like you. And if you try to make a pair of them fit, you are in for more work that you can probably handle – stretching and pulling until you rip the panty out of the hose.

And that’s where the humiliation comes in. Granted, most of the time you are home, in the privacy of your own bedroom, when you attempt the almost impossible. But your inner self knows just because the chart on the package said you need a size ‘B’ that you really need a size ‘D.’ And the walls of your bedroom saw you pulling and tugging and stuffing to get yourself in a size ‘B’ when you should have gone ahead, swallowed your pride and bought yourself some "Big Mamas." And even though no one is looking when you put on your hose, they will surely stare when you leave the house with your eyes bugging out of your head, which has turned the color of tomato juice.

Wearing panty hose is just not fair. What do you do when you are getting ready for an important social event with little time to spare and you start to put on your pantyhose and one leg is six inches shorter than the other. Or the hose maker has missewn the panty of the hose and it only comes half the way up.

I have recently gone through the panty hose struggle. But knowing the tragedy I could face I bought three different pairs for one occassion. Believe it or not the first pair was a perfect fit. There was not pulling and tugging and sweating to get them on. They just went on. Feeling good about myself I went on the the event, sure that by the end on the night my hose would be sagging down around my ankles. But no, they actually stayed put all night.

The next time I needed hose I tried another pair. Oh, they went right on all right. Went on my legs and all the way up to my neck. The manufacturer had no right calling those things panty hose. I’ve seen more elasticity in a paper towel. I spent all day pulling them up, and at one time considered tying a knot in the top to keep them in place.

But being to big is probably better than being too small. I found a new brand that was suppose to give you a better shape. And, Lord knows, I need a better shape.

There was a variety to choose from: Enhanced Control Top, Rear Shaper, Tummy Flattener and All Over Shaper. Not giving my body much credit I went for the All Over Shaper. Let me tell you how the All Over Shaper got its name. Whoever is in charge of naming the pantyhose, had to give them a test run. And they got what the pantyhose people deserved.

Because when you finally get the darn things on, you are in a "shape all over." I had to keep stretching and pulling until I had sweated off every little bit of makeup I had on.

I guess the rest of our lives women will have to live in fear of the days they have to wear pantyhose or tights. And to anyone who doesn’t have to wear the blasted things, but choses to anyway, is one sick puppy.

Amy S. Lansdon is the news editor for The Messenger.