This won’t be in the papers

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Important stuff keeps filtering in from the Internet and the liberal news media doesn’t cover important things like these. Dan Rather and others of his ilk don’t have time because they are too busy trashing our President, finding fault with our system of government, and decrying the number of soldiers killed in Iraq. But they don’t point out that there are more people murdered daily in Washington D.C. So which is the more dangerous place to be?

Now that Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, our special forces have time to search for lesser-known siblings. The military has printed new playing cards with faces and names. They popped up in my e-mail and I list them here: Sooflay, a gourmet chef in Bagdad, Guday the half-brother from Down Under, Huray, a dogfight fanatic, Sashay, the gay brother. Kuntay and Kintay, twins in Africa, Ojay known for stalking and murder, Gulay the singer, and Ebay the Syrian internet czar. Further intelligence sources have revealed even more dangerous illegitimates and our army soldiers vow to run them down. There is Biliray posing as a country banjo player in France, Regay a one-legged Jamaican dancer, and Tupay, the one with bad hair. There is another but the entire surviving family denies it. His name is Oy Vey.

Here are a few excerpts from Robin Williams plan for peace in the Middle East: &uot;The U.S. will apologize to the world for our ‘interference’ in their affairs, past and present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich, and the rest of those &uot;good ole boys.&uot; We will never interfere again.


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– We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South – Korea and the Philippines because they don’t want us there. We will station them across our north and south borders. No more sneaking in through fences.

– All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. After that they will be gathered up and deported to France. Future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days. No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. We have sufficient non-English speaking Americans available to drive taxis and serve as 7/11 cashiers.

– We will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy-wise. This will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou can cope for a time. We will offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil or they can go somewhere else to sell it. Two weeks with their oil storage facilities full will do the trick.

– If there is famine or other natural catastrophes in the world, we will not &uot;interfere.&uot; They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement, or whatever they need. Most of what we send gets stolen anyway – it never reaches the masses.

Ship the U.N. officials and personnel to an isolated island anywhere. We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. And the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. All legal citizens will go to charm and beauty school so we will no longer be referred to as ugly Americans. There has been talk in Washington of turning the mission in Iraq over to the U.N. Bad idea! The U.N. has never understood liberty or independence or &uot;consent of the governed.&uot;

Eighty-three-old Andy Rooney said: My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes. ‘For Cripe’s sake.’ Who would that be; Jesus Cripe’s? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I want to burn in ‘Heck’?

Robert Pocklington is a resident of Suffolk and a regular News-Herald columnist. He can be contacted via e-mail at: