Designers get the skinny on Renaissance women

Published 12:00 am Friday, November 21, 2003

On a recent shopping trip to the mall, I found myself totally disgusted with the lack of attractive clothing options available for a young, rubenesque woman such as myself.

Though I am not a size 4 supermodel with wafer-thin cheekbones and pencils for arms and legs, I’m not a dog either.

Like most of us, I fall somewhere in the middle.

Email newsletter signup

However, taking pride in my appearance, my sexuality and having the desire to highlight my vivacious sense of style, I wish to accentuate my positive physical attributes through the clothing I wear.

Unfortunately, that seems impossible, as fashion designers of today must all be men, asexual or supermodels that can wear a bandanna as a bustier and look hot.

Disgusted by the situation, I have written the following letter to the biggest fashion houses in New York, London and Los Angeles:

Dear Tommy, Ralph, Liz, Calvin, (et al);

I am writing to inform you of a grievous situation, with the hopes you will be able to remedy the problem by the time your spring fashions hit the runway.

It seems you all think rubenesque women (that’s &uot;fat&uot; for those of you who have never seen an ounce of it) must not be worthy of your best work.

Apparently, you think garments with the appeal, shape and fit of a brown paper bag adequately meet the fashion needs of today’s Renaissance woman.

Note: women of the Renaissance period were considered busty beautiful goddesses, who happened to have a little meat on their bones.

I have come to the conclusion that you don’t believe we (the voluptuous Amazon Queens for which I speak) are worthy of your best efforts based on the following observations:

All knits this season are riddled with horizontal stripes. That’s the equalivient of taping a sign that reads &uot;wide-load&uot; to our foreheads.

Hot tip:

Amazon Queens cannot wear stripes.

All necklines come to the top of the neck, and cover every square inch of skin.

You may not see the injustice in this – but I assure you, a rubenesque woman with a double – or triple – chin will tell you the value of a flattering neckline.

Hot tip: Amazon Queens cannot wear turtlenecks, mock necks, boat necks or dickeys and be assured of a flattering look.

SURPRISE! We have boobs! For some of us, they are our best feature – and they were home-grown to boot! Why then must you put tacky satin bows and distracting floral patterns at the exact point where a plunging neckline and a small amount of cleavage would be in order?

Perhaps these fashions would well serve young girls of eight, but Renaissance women would appreciate the opportunity to display their best-held assets.

Hot tip: Amazon Queens like to accentuate their breasts when possible.

Thong underwear on a woman over a size 8 cannot be good.

Really, what are you people thinking?

A piece of dental floss does not attractively accentuate the derriere of a Renaissance woman – in fact it may bring a few laughs instead.

Might I suggest going back to the drawing board on this one entirely, as the whole concept of &uot;thong underwear&uot; just violates all &uot;F.U.P.A. laws.

(F.U.P.A. stands for &uot;fat upper private area.&uot;)

Hot tip:

All Amazon Queens have this and thongs are really just a &uot;F.U.P.A. faux pas&uot; waiting to happen.

&uot;Necked-ness&uot; (that’s nakedness in Southernese for you Yankees) would be far more flattering to an Amazon.

Though &uot;blush&uot; and &uot;bashful&uot; are lovely shades of pink, they are not power colors in the business world and they aren’t especially eye-catching for after work affairs.

Hot tip:

Only Molly Ringwald was &uot;Pretty in Pink&uot;! The rest of us look like we have not yet hit puberty (and that applies to wafer chicks too).

Ditch the pink – unless it’s &uot;hot&uot; and &uot;loud&uot;!

The colors of pebble, khaki, beige, toast, stone-washed and suede snow are all just pretty names for dirty versions of the color white.

Hot tip:

All Renaissance women know they should not wear white, even when they are wearing their very best super-strong ‘suck-me -inners.’ (That’s underwear with a lot of spandex to minimize the F.U.P.A.)

Hot tip: STOP trying to trick other Amazon Queens into thinking they aren’t really wearing white. It’s just plain wrong – and all of you know it.

Please take my observations in the spirit in which they are intended.

I am sure your artistic vision serves you well in the world of wafers.

However, in my world – the real world – we need more options with a little more dcolletage and sophistication.

The Amazon Sisterhood includes many great women: Elizabeth Taylor, Catherine the Great, Delta Burke, Kate Winslet, Anna Nicole Smith, Sophia Loren, Queen Latifa, Whoopi Goldberg and more.

In fact, one of history’s most glamorous &uot;Amazon Queens,&uot; Marilyn Monroe, would have been a size 16 by today’s Hollywood standards.

And, at this time of year, who can forget the most famous &uot;Amazon Queen&uot; of them all: Mrs. Claus!

Even though the North Pole is cold, I’m sure Mrs. C. likes to look hot for her jolly old elf. And with Christmas right around the corner, it’s a good idea to keep Santa happy right now.

On behalf of Renaissance women everywhere, I thank you your immediate attention to this matter. Looking forward to the spring shows.

Plumply yours,

Rebecca Hill

a.k.a &uot;Voluptuous Amazon Queen&uot;

Rebecca Hill is the advertising director for the Suffolk News-Herald. She can be contacted at 934-9601 or