A sudden change of heart

Published 12:00 am Sunday, May 9, 2004

Dear Spike, I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Can you bring yourself to forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoos and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren’t really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job. I am certain as well that many other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure, my daughter is only 16 and wants to marry you instead of going to college. After all, you can’t learn everything from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and my full blessings go with you in proposing marriage to my daughter. Sincerely, your future father-in-law. P.S. Congratulations on winning the Power ball lottery.

Puts you in mind of John Kerry who has suddenly stopped being to the left of Ted Kennedy. The polls indicate slippage because of his nasty vitriolic attacks on our president who has his hands full. And some fuss over medals John did or did not throw, not to mention a lot of flip-flopping on many subjects. Now we are going to hear many million dollars worth of ads telling us whom John Kerry really is as if we have misunderstood him. His voting record in connection with our military, you know, the persons who takes the bullets for us, speaks loudly.

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To determine if you are liberal enough to vote for John Kerry you must agree with at least 3 of these statements:

nCapital punishment is wrong but abortion on demand is OK

nSelf-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

nAIDS is spread by lack of federal spending.

nFourth-grade teachers are qualified to teach children about sex.

nGuns in the hand of law-abiding citizens are more dangerous than nukes in North Korea.

nThere was no such thing as art before federal funding.

nBusinesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

nThe NRA is bad because it supports parts of the constitution.

nThe ACLU is good because it perverts certain parts of the same document.

nMargaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem rate higher than Jefferson or Robert E. Lee.

nStandardized tests are racist but racial quotas are not.

nHillary Clinton is normal and a very nice person.

nHomosexual parades are OK but not manger scenes at Christmas.

nIllegal funding of Democrats by the Chinese government is fine with you

nThese statements are part of a right-wing conspiracy.

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Robert Pocklington is a resident of Suffolk and a regular News-Herald columnist. He can be contacted via e-mail: robert.pocklington@suffolknewsherald.com