The hangover pill

Published 12:00 am Sunday, August 22, 2004

Where were those things when we needed them back in World War II? We didn’t consider it drinking when we’d find a stash of wine or one of those five-foot- across barrels of good German beer. We couldn’t let the enemy have it in case we were forced to retreat, so we were only depriving them. And we couldn’t destroy it and deprive ourselves and those that followed, so we &uot;shared&uot; it with them. I will admit that a tiny bit of it somehow got into our empty rinsed out gas cans. There is nothing like a stiff drink after a battle. One of those pills would have come in handy early in the morning when we heard a Tiger tank warming up a mile away.

But those were the old days and only idiots over-imbibe today, so how come the bars are as loaded as the customers on Friday and Saturday nights? The new hangover pill only assures bartenders they are in for a night of good tips; those imbibers can now be as safe as females on a different kind of pill. What a wonderful idea this is for humanity. There is nothing, however, in the pill to prevent drunkenness, only next day pain. So our under-staffed police patrols will have to be even more on the lookout for the numbskulls who figure the pill will straighten them out within a couple of miles. Soon you will hear a male bar regular say, &uot;ish OK bartener, I’m ona pill.&uot;


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Did you catch the tee shirt on the diapered boy toddler that read? &uot;The mess in my pants is nothing compared to the mess Democrats will make of this country if they win November 2nd. Vote Weepublican.&uot;


Clinton awards Halliburton a no bid contact in Yugoslavia. That’s good. Bush hands Halliburton a no bid contract in Iraq, that’s bad. Clinton spends $77 billion on a war in Serbia…Ok. Bush spends $87 billion in Iraq – Bad. Clinton imposes regime change in Serbia – good. Bush imposes regime in Iraq – bad. Clinton bombs Christian Serbs on behalf of Muslim Albanian terrorists – good. Bush liberates 25 million from a genocidal dictator – bad. Clinton bombs Chinese embassy – good. Bush bombs terrorist camps – bad.

Clinton commits felonies while in office – good. Bush lands on aircraft carrier in jumpsuit – bad. Clinton says mass graves are in Serbia – good. No mass graves found in Serbia – bad. Entire world says there are WMDs in Iraq – good. No WMDs found – bad. Clinton refuses to take custody of Bin Laden – good. World Trade Center falls under Bush – bad. Clinton says Iraq has nukes – good. Bush says Iraq has nukes – bad. Terrorist training in Afghanistan – good. Bush destroys training camps in Afghanistan – bad. Milosivic not yet convicted – good. Saddam in custody – bad.

I’m confused.


Check out the new California Employee Handbook by Schwrarzenegger: &uot;There will be no sick days. If you can get to a doctor as proof of sickness you can get to work you have 104 personal days; they are called Saturday and Sunday. Come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag you will need no raises. If you dress poorly you need to manage your money better.

There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. There is now a three-minute limit in toilet stalls. At the end of three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, the door will open and a picture taken. Three offenses and your face will appear on the company bulletin board under the title, Chronic Offender. Skinny people need to eat more and get 30 minutes for lunch. Normal sized get 15 minutes. Fat people get five minutes and that’s enough Thank you for your loyalty to this great State. We are here to provide you with a positive employment experience.&uot; Signed, The Governator.

Robert Pocklington is a regular columnist for the Suffolk News-Herald. Email him at robert.pocklington@suffolknewsherald