More predictions

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, January 5, 2005

A recent edition of the Suffolk News Herald offered one citizen’s glimpse of what the headlines in the Suffolk News Herald may be 20 years from now.

I thought it to be very intriguing and quite humorous.

I fully expect to look back on this issue 20 years from now and find many of his amusing predictions to actually have come true.

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But I couldn’t help but wonder what this city may look like in just 5 years.

So I devised my own list of predictions.

Obici Hospital, after years of fiscal irresponsibility and mismanagement, will be acquired by Sentara.

Upon completion of the merger Mr. and Mrs. Obici’s ghost will be seen trying to hitchhike a ride back to the original hospital site.

Unfortunately when they drive by they will find a new empty strip mall and car dealership in its place.

The Suffolk Cultural Arts Center will be open to the public.

After a low turn out for a production of &uot;My Fair Lady&uot; and an exhibit examining the effects of Imperialism on Mid-Western Economies the center is nearing financial ruin.

The Center is forced to bring in exhibits that will appeal to the demographics of the area.

The 1st Annual Suffolk Cultural Arts Center Tractor Pull and Pig-pick’n is scheduled for April 1, 2010.

Citizens are finally granted the right to vote for mayor.

Bobby Ralph and Dana Dickens, after months of campaigning, fail to secure a single vote on Election Day after record breaking turn-out.

City council immediately nullifies the vote and re-elects Bobby Ralph for the position.

Northern Suffolk becomes so heavily developed that, under the tremendous weight, an enormous fault line appears and splits the city in two.

The Suffolk Executive Airport becomes a hub for United Airlines. Unfortunately United Airlines declared bankruptcy three years earlier and its fleet has been reduced to single engine commuter planes and crop-dusters.

The Hilton Gardens has been open for five years now and has yet to attract a single guest.

The hotel launches a major advertising campaign that promotes its tremendous views of a cemetery, oil company, and fast food restaurants.

City council proclaims the hotel a complete success.

Chick-fil-A, Popeye’s Chicken, and KFC team up to form Suffolk’s Chicken District.

Lakeland and Nansemond River high schools’ requests for facility upgrades to make it comparable with the facilities at King’s Fork High School are declined by city council.

Council announces at next meeting that funding to Lakeland and Nansemond River will be reduced next fiscal year to help pay for the King’s Fork High School Hockey Rink and Bowling Alley.

The city, in an effort to obtain additional tax revenue, completes another assessment of personal property.

Council is proud to announce that the property with the lowest assessment in this city is valued at just under $1.2 million.

Citizens unable to afford to pay the taxes this year were sent a photocopy of a giant middle finger and were asked to leave immediately.

Charter Communication announces that they not only will be increasing the rates again this year for standard service, but also will be sending technicians around to randomly poke their customers in the eye just because they really get a kick out of it.

Wal-Mart bulldozes 50 percent of downtown shops to make way for the new SuperDuper Center.

Upon opening the new facility they immediately close the existing site on Main Street which sits empty for the next 20 years.

The &uot;historic&uot; house that was moved across the street on Manning Bridge Road due to the construction of the new Target Warehouse was knocked over and burned by citizens living on that road.

Citizens reported that they were tired of looking at the hideous eye sore and decided to take action in their own hands.

City Council returns from the annual retreat which was held this year in Hawaii. Topics discussed during this year’s program included, &uot;How to Lie and Ignore the Wishes of Your Constituents Without Really Trying&uot; and &uot;101 Ideas for Collecting Additional Tax Revenue.&uot;

The FCC fines the local cable system $200,000 for indecency when it fails to bleep-out obscenities and blur several disturbing images being broadcast on a local television program being run on the City’s cable channel.

The program that created the controversy was the re-broadcast of a recent city council meeting.

I personally can’t wait to see how many of these predictions come true over the next 5 years.

After looking at a recent broadcast of the City Council Meeting I’m convinced that a few of these predictions are well on their way to coming true this year.

Happy New Year fellow citizens!

If I can afford to continue living in this city, maybe I’ll write to you again next year.

If not, I’ll see you in Franklin or Chesapeake.

Casey Simpkins is a resident of Suffolk.