God created kids

Published 12:00 am Monday, January 10, 2005

To those of you who have children in your lives, whether they are your own grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students; pay attention. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was &uot;DON’T!&uot;

&uot;Don’t what?&uot; Adam replied. &uot;Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.&uot; God said.

&uot;Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!&uot; &uot;No Way!&uot; &uot;I’m not kidding, Eve&uot;. Do NOT EAT THE FRUIT!&uot; said God. &uot;But why?&uot; &uot;Because I am your Father and I said so!&uot; God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! &uot;Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?&uot; God asked.

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&uot;Uh huh,&uot; Adam replied. &uot;Then why did you?&uot; said the Father. &uot;I don’t know,&uot; said Eve. &uot;She started it!&uot; Adam said,

&uot;Did not!&uot;

&uot;Did too!&uot;

&uot;DID NOT!&uot;

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. There is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not murdering your own children. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. You can’t childproof your home; they’ll still get in. Good advice, be nice to your kids…they will choose your nursing home. If you suffer from tension and headaches, do what it says on the aspirin bottle; &uot;KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.&uot;

Thirty years makes a difference. You go from long hair to longing for hair. From KEG

to EKG and acid rock to acid reflux. Remember when you wanted to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor? Now you don’t want to look like them. Then it was hoping for a BMW, now it’s hoping for a BM. You used to go to a hip joint, now you need a hip joint. From Rolling Stones to kidney stones.

Remember how tough it was to pass the driving test. Now it’s the vision test. Back then it was your parents begging you to get a haircut. Now your kids are begging you to let them shave their head. You are moving from underwear to Depends. You remember, &uot;Where’s the beef?&uot; And bottle caps that didn’t screw off. When you were swimming you never thought of sharks, you never heard of an answering machine and hurried when the phone rang in case it was a job offer.

Well, aging mom and pop, take a look around at how much your life has changed, and not all for the better. High cost of everything, property taxes out of sight. Social Security raises a joke, that knee killing you, forever filling that plastic pill holder If you’ve got to get old and die, this is a very good time to do it.

Robert Pocklington lives in Suffolk and is a regular News-Herald columnist. He can be reached at robert.pocklington@suffolnewsherald.com.