Foiled again

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, May 17, 2005

A public school teacher was arrested at New York’s Kennedy International Airport today, trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. The attorney general believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

&uot;Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed,&uot; he said. &uot;They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like &uot;X&uot; and &uot;Y,&uot; and, although they are frequently referred to as &uot;unknowns,&uot; we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, &uot;there are 3 sides to every triangle.&uot;

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When asked to comment, Governor Warner said, &uot;If God had wanted us to have weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.&uot;

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the American Civil Liberties Union, faced his students and shocked them when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted, God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 10 minutes!&uot;

The room fell silent…you could hear a pin drop. Five minutes went by. &uot;I’m waiting God, if you’re real, knock me off this platform!&uot; Again, after more minutes, the professor taunted God saying, &uot;Here I am, God!!!

I’m still waiting!&uot; There was one minute to go when a Navy Seal, just released from the Navy after serving in Iraq, and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor. Navy Seals are taught to keep their priorities in order and know when to act without hesitation. With his fist he belted the professor full force on the nose knocking him off the platform.

The Professor was out cold!!

The students were stunned and shocked as the Seal returned to his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and they, too, were silent…waiting. Eventually, the professor came to, bloodied and noticeably shaken.

He glared at the Seal and said, &uot;What the hell is the matter with you…why did you do that?&uot; The Seal answered, &uot;Well God is pretty busy protecting America’s soldiers in Iraq, who are protecting your right to be a brainless fool…so he sent me.&uot;

A lot of you don’t understand why we have this oil shortage in America. There’s a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil so we didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and Texas but the dipsticks are in Washington.

A lot said about homelessness lately. How it can happen to a typical family overnight, or to a &uot;warped&uot; family in stages. Nowhere in the discussion were words like &uot;education,&uot; &uot;responsibility,&uot; or &uot;responsibility of educators.&uot; Nor could I find any reference to &uot;early discipline.&uot; I’d sum up a good part of the situation by saying that, &uot;for lack of a good spanking a kingdom was eventually lost.&uot; Anyone want to argue about that? I’m game.

Pregnant women can expect advice from mothers, friends, magazines, their doctor, other experts like Oprah and Dr. Phil, or can attend classes with other females to practice breathing and endure physical exercises to make the delivery a delightful time in their life. But what about the male who is scheduled for some heavy surgery deep inside the perimeter of his skin? Until now there has been no honest advice on how to prepare for the five or six days of incapacity and torture in a hospital. Practicing these steps in the comfort of your own home will alleviate some of your anxiety.

Lay nude on your front lawn and ask your neighbor to come over and prod you with his cane for 30 minutes. Doctors do it with cold steely fingers. Drink a quart of Sherwin Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff a slinky down your throat. Put a real estate agent’s &uot;Open House sign on your front yard and lie in your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose. Stick your hand down a running garbage disposal and have your wife say over and over, &uot;You will feel a mild discomfort.&uot;

Set your alarm to go off every 10 minutes from 10 p.m. to 7 a.m., at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (square head) screwdriver or stab yourself with a knitting needle. Put a hard plastic coffee stirrer under your tongue with a small sinker on the other end and hold it aloft for five minutes. It still beats the other way of taking your temperature. Remove all palatable food from the house. Borrow a coat hall-tree, hang several strands of Christmas lights on it and drape them on your arm while walking up and down the hall with your behind showing. Finally, practice urinating into an empty lipstick tube. There you have it; a few days of this and you will be prepared.

Remember how often our city officials compare themselves with leaders in cities to our east. Now would be a good time to emulate what they are doing to be fair to their citizens…lowering the painful property tax rate.

Robert Pocklington lives in Suffolk and is a regular News-Herald columnist. He can be reached at