Serious Internet history lesson

Published 12:00 am Sunday, May 29, 2005

I just had the second eye cataract removed this morning and Doctor &uot;O&uot; said I would have double vision for the rest of the day. He was correct; (ccoorreecctt) I now have 20/20 vision in both eyes (I’ve worn glasses since age 14) and I will sweat out the rest of the day waiting until my double keyboard settles into being one. So rather than attempt to type more than these few lliinneess I enclose a piece just as important as the council trying to get the city manager to ease up with the tax rate…and almost as funny.

Division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans then existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/ gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer and would go to the beach and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: liberals and conservatives.

Email newsletter signup

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of

agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were available yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as &uot;the Conservative movement&uot;. Their female’s only interest in culture was yeast.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching, hair dressing and nails.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as ‘girleymen’.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, tenure, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, seat belts, and the concept of voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Some other animal whose name, three letters I can’t put in print, symbolizes liberals.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but the old fashioned prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated-hitter rule because it wasn’t &uot;fair&uot; to make the pitcher bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to &uot;govern&uot; the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans, or most any other nationality, are more enlightened than Americans.

That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and successfully created the business of trying to get more for nothing. If you didn’t know this about America you now have a much better understanding and it is obvious you must do more reading, or browsing, or listening to Rush or watching Hannity.

Hey, it’s just an opinion, relax, and take it easy. And you conservatives stop laughing.

Robert Pocklington lives in Suffolk and is a regular News-Herald columnist. He can be reached at