Better read this

Published 12:00 am Saturday, June 25, 2005

My email gets cluttered with things almost worthy of passing on. I figure those of you who enjoy sit-coms or animated cartoons like Sponge Bob, South Park, or Comedy Central will find these helpful hints right up your alley. Besides, I can’t just delete the stuff or people will quit sending jewels like these.

If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto…the blockage will be instantly removed. High blood pressure sufferers can chuck the pills… relieve the pressure on the veins with a small cut on the finger. A set mousetrap on top of your alarm clock will wake you up if you reach for the snooze button. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives and you won’t dare cough.

Have a bad toothache? Put a small stone in your shoe and walk a mile.

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Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape. And remember: everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never, never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. Be really nice to your family and friends, you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

And, finally, boy am I glad to get rid of these, no husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

The above are diamonds for some persons but others run for Maalox. I try to write for all the people. It takes five minutes to read my column, less if you can pass eighth grade SOL tests. And no one insists you have to read it. But if you don’t, you might miss something important like the following. Lately, magazines have been extolling the virtue of potatoes as part of a weight loss diet. On the other hand are those who claim the vegetable, or fruit, whatever, are worse than white flour. So here is more about them.

Girl potato and boy potato had eyes for each other, and finally they married and had a little sweet potato, which they called &uot;Yam.&uot; If you can see where this is headed, you better stop reading right now. Of course they wanted the best for Yam so when it was time, they told her the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally smashed, and get a bad name for herself, like hot potato, and end up with a bunch of tater tots.

Yam said not to worry; no spud would get her into a sack and make a rotten potato out of her. But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a couch potato either. She would get plenty of good food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for hard-boiled guys from Ireland, and the greasy guys from France called French Fries.

When she went out west she was warned to watch out for wild Indians so she wouldn’t be scalloped.

Yam said that they don’t do that anymore but she would be careful and stay on the straight and narrow.

She knew all about those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that read Frito Lay. Yam attended Idaho Potato U so that when she graduated she would be &uot;in the chips.&uot; But in spite of all the parental warnings, no matter what they had done for her, she did not listen. Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw?!?!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because, are you ready for this; he’s just an out of work common tater. From this, I would conclude that potatoes are really bad.

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From time to time, I will present you with candidates for the Darwin Award. These are people who have contributed to the gene pool by finding extraordinary ways to eliminate themselves from the population. Competition this year has been keen. &uot;February: Police in Ontario reported that Dan Taylor and Randy Kaolta died in a head-on-collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.&uot;

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, totally &uot;zoned when he ran,&uot; stupidly jogged off a hundred foot cliff on his daily run. And according to police in Dahlonega, Georgia, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena was stabbed to death in November by a fellow cadet who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing. Oops.

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My only excuse for sending this kind of stuff to the editor is that so little is going on in the city worth writing about. The marina is empty, hotel traffic lean, as it is with the train station and visitor center. It’s that lull caused by weather reporters who just can’t get it straight. Hot, cold, hot again.

Two weeks ago it was nearly winter and now it’s middle of the hot summer. You should be relieved that the owner of Neverland is not even a molester, according to a jury with problems of its own. How to elect our mayor is next. The papers will be filled with information on that subject. But don’t hold your breath.

Robert Pocklington is a regular columnist for the News-Herald. E-mail him at robert.pocklington@suffolknewsherald.com