I’m proud to be one of them

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, August 3, 2005

Geezers (slang for an old man) are easy to spot: At sporting events, during the playing of the Anthem, Old Geezers remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Dieppe, the liberation of Italy, Normandy, and D-Day, the liberation of Holland, Musolini, Tojo and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, the Cold War, the jet age, the moon landing, the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention the liberation of Kuwait, Sariavo, Iraq and Afghanistan.

If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

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Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don’t like any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it’s about their grandchildren. It’s the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young people now serving in the military. This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values more than ever. Thank God for Old Geezers.

And I’m proud to be one of them.

Younger &uot;men&uot; are called Guys and they live by different rules than Geezers. Rule One: Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Rule Two:

Sunday Sports, It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Number Three: Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. Number 4: Crying is blackmail. Rule 5: Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it.

Rule 6: Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Rule 7: Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. Rule 8: A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Rule 9: Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. Rule 10: If you won’t dress like Victoria Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule 11: If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don ‘t ask us. Rule 12: If some-thing we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. Rule 13: You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. Rule 14: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 15: Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

Rule 16:

All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit, or a vegetable. We have no idea what mauve is. Rule 17: If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 18: If we ask what is wrong and you say &uot;nothing,&uot; we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

Rule 19: If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to; expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 20: When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, really. 21: Don’t ask us what we we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 22: You have enough clothes.

23: You have too many shoes. 24: I am in shape. Round is a shape. Question: will today’s Guys ever become old Geezers?

Andy Damiani, President of the DBA, praised Elizabeth McCoury at their meeting. He went a step further when he interviewed Elizabeth during part of his Roundtable Talk TV show. There is no doubt she is sad about leaving and no doubt she will be an asset to city government of Roanoke. She had a strong hand in every change that came to the downtown of Suffolk during the last seven years. Many in business here will remember her unflagging efforts; she knew the city maze well and assisted new owners through it successfully. As she said goodbye to me she added, &uot;Take it easy on my replacement.&uot; The city may put someone in that now empty position but they will never replace her.

Robert Pocklington lives in Suffolk and is a regular News-Herald columnist. He can be reached at robert.pocklington@suffolknewsherald.com.