Laughing through your golden years

Published 12:00 am Monday, August 29, 2005

When I attended the reunion of the Class of 1965 of the former East Suffolk High School, I got a big laugh out of the portion of the program where retired teacher George Jones read statements on &uot;How Do You Know You’re Getting Older.&uot;

I thought that these statements would be humorous to include in all such reunions, in which the participants have reached their golden years.

Therefore, I decided to publish them so that you may also have fun at your special event. To put more excitement to the reading, the class made the first statement, &uot;You know you are growing older when…&uot; Jones then gave the statement. This went on until each statement was read separately so that the class could take each one in.

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When you read these somewhat true statements you may agree that getting older doesn’t always have to be depressing but can also be a laughing matter.

You know you are getting old when….

1. You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

3. Your little black book contains only names starting with &uot;Dr.&uot;

4. Your children begin to look middle aged.

5. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

6. Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

7. You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.

8. You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

9. Dialing long distance wears you out.

10. Your back goes out more than you do.

11.The little gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

12. There is too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest.

13. Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.

14. You get winded playing chess.

15. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.

16. Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work at all.

17. You feel like the night before and you haven’t been anywhere.

18. You finally get to the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

19. You join a health club and don’t go.

20. You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

21. You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.

22. You know all the answers but nobody ask you the questions.

23. You look forward to a dull evening.

24. You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.

25. You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

26. After painting the town red you have to take a L-O-N-G rest before applying a second coat.

27. You’re startled the first time you’re referred to as &uot;old timer.&uot;

28. You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.

29. You just can’t stand people who are intolerant.

30. The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.

31. You burn the midnight oil after 9 p.m.

32. A fortune teller offers to read your face.

33. Your pacemaker causes the garage door to go up and down when you watch a pretty girl go by.

34. Your favorite part of the newspaper is &uot;25 years ago today or

&uot;Times Past.&uot;

These corrections need to be made to the &uot;Off the Wall Column that was published on Wednesday, Aug. 17.

The city of Chiavari was spelled incorrectly. The ensemble spent two weeks in Italy from June 21-July 2. Sheryl Short also made the trip to Italy and sang with the group at Cedar Point Country Club.

Evelyn Wall is a retired News-Herald reporter and regular columnist.