• 64°

Judging dogs, Feb. 15, 2006

Taking a break from politics and government today. Frankly, I’m tiring of people with no position to defend just trying to brand me a liberal, as if saying that somehow proves I’m wrong and justifies their beliefs. I may indeed be wrong a lot but that’s just because of limited intellectual capacity, not because of my politics.

As a dog lover (I bet Hillary Clinton is), I always try to catch at least part of the Westminster Dog Show.

I was watching last night as Rufus, a colored bull terrier with a head that made him look like he was some kind of anteater, was crowned America’s top dog.

I’m particularly interested in the show’s judges (Just like, no doubt, Al Gore and Howard Dean are). What is it exactly they are looking for in a dog?

I look for just a few things: Is he loyal? Will he bite me or my children? How easily will he be housebroken? (I understand Barbara Boxer and Sen. Chuck Schumer use the same criteria).

I’d like to nominate my dog, Faith, some kind of hybrid poodle with a big, giant, albeit beautiful to us, freak head, my wife rescued nearly six years ago, as America’s best dog. She scores a 10 in each of the above categories. She goes berserk whenever she hears anything out of the ordinary approach our house. She allows my daughter to literally put dresses on her and otherwise humiliate her. But best of all, she would stay in the house for a week and not go to the bathroom until we took her out or she exploded, whichever came first.

The only “accident” she ever had happened when someone left a bran muffin (just like the ones George Clooney eats) unattended on a coffee table and Faith snatched it.

In fact, I think they should change the Westminster Dog Show. How I would determine America’s top dog is to put them all out on the floor at the same time and eliminate them one-by-one as they go to the bathroom on the floor. The last one to go is best in show.

Faith would win hands down.

I realize, of course, that that’s how Nancy Pelosi and Maureen Dowd would select our nation’s best dog, but I don’t really care.