How to stay cool

Published 12:00 am Thursday, August 3, 2006

I couldn’t help getting a kick out of this after seeing our Wednesday paper. There taking up most of the front page, was our story about how hot it is.

The story of course, being responsible journalists like we are concerned about the well-being of the people in our community, included tips on how to avoid the heat. They included things like staying in some shade or air conditioning, and drinking plenty of water.

Duh! Sorry to treat you readers like you are imbeciles. You already knew that, didn’t you? If not, please don’t handle anything sharp.

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Apparently the folks at have had enough of being treated like idiots by the media when it comes to heat stories as well.

“Check your local paper or local evening news today and there’s a 99.99 percent chance that someone, probably an &uot;expert,&uot; will say, &uot;Be sure to drink plenty of water.&uot; We’re not stupid. We know this.

“Instead of spitting out the same advice every single year, why not come up with some useful tips such as those found in the Office Pirates guide to staying cool:

• Don’t eat fire.

• Stay away from lava.

• Live underwater.

• Don’t touch the stove.

• Don’t wear snow pants.

• Breathe.

• Try to not lift any cars.

• Go ice shopping.

• Don’t wear a rubber Halloween mask when you sleep.

• Don’t eat a few handfuls of salt.

• Don’t wear lots of wigs.

• Don’t jump up and down. It might make it seem breezy on your face, but you’re actually making yourself warmer.

• Stop sleeping inside a sealed metal shipping container.

• Don’t trade your air conditioner for some Ben Gay.

• Drink plenty of wa…oh &%#@. Sorry. It just sort of happened.”