An electric stapler. That’s right, an electric stapler. I’m the guy who’s actually given an electric stapler to a loved one as a gift. So that should be a telling indication of what kind of gift-giver I am. Or should I say was. It has taken me the better part of 30 years to crack the code of good gift-giving. And now, mad scientist that I am, I think I’ve got it, and I want to share my findings.

First of all, Valentine’s Day is about as tricky as holidays come, when it comes to getting the love in your life a perfect gift. So I wish to impart my wisdom to those younger Romeos out there looking to get something just right for their Juliet. And ladies, feel free to tell me if my research holds up.

Preface: Usually the best gifts you can give can’t be bought in stores or on the home shopping channel.

Rule number 1: Don’t buy her an electric stapler. Trust me. It’s been done and was not well received at all. (Excuse me for trying to meet someone’s office supply needs on this special day.)

Rule number 2: Stick to what you know. By that, I mean, give her the things you know she likes but in a romantic abundance. A Snickers bar says, “I care,” but a box of Snickers with a bow on it says, “I love you, and I’m willing to pay your dentist bill.”

Rule number 3: Romance starts in the home…a nice, clean home. Wash the dishes. Clean the bathroom. Vacuum the den. Talk about gasping and swooning. The fairer sex really responds to cleanliness, especially cleanliness she doesn’t have to achieve herself.

Rule number 4: Rub, rub, rub. Nothing is more considerate to a woman than a nice relaxing shoulder or foot rub at the end of the day. (This one almost always gets your favorite meal made within the week, guys.)

Rule number 5: Get something cookin’, good lookin’. Steak alfredo, gentlemen, is my personal menu recommendation for Valentine’s Day. Just trust me on this one.

Supreme rule number 6: Last but not least, repeat rules 1–5 as often as possible, should you want peace in your relationship the whole year ‘round.

There’s nothing wrong with being extravagant on Valentine’s Day, if you can afford it. But in this economy, who can afford much of anything, right? Remember guys, true romance is showing the special person in your life that you care about her life, love and comfort. If can do that convincingly, you can’t help but have a great Valentine’s Day.

By the way, did I mention the giant diamond you should have in your other hand as you serve her dinner?