Help the world’s worst groomsman

Published 10:27 pm Friday, June 5, 2009

You know, when you’re in Richmond in some night club getting served drinks by a very nice girl from the Netherlands named Malchata (I think) and your friend — after several hours of toasting his engagement — decides to ask you to be in his wedding, you think, “That sounds great.” You accept wholeheartedly, though under the haze of a time well-had and think, “I’m honored that my friend would even ask me to be a part of such a momentous time in his life.” And that’s pretty much the last time you think about being a groomsman in your friend’s wedding.

Then the next morning comes. The time well-had has worn off and you realize that your friend actually meant he wants you to be a part of a wedding. Then you think, “Eh, it’s almost a year away. I’ll know what to do when the time comes.” You put the responsibility in the back of your mind and get on with your life.

About four or five months later, you get a piece of mail from London, reminding you to save the date for the big wedding. And you remember, “Oh yeah, my good friend has asked me to be in his wedding. Cool. I better start doing a little bit of groomsman stuff.” You enter the date of the wedding in the calendar on your phone and once again get on with your life.

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Then, a month or so later, you get an envelope in the mail that’s the size of a pamphlet or small catalog, which contains a booklet of all the goings-on for the big wedding weekend and what you need to do. Get a hotel room. Get fitted for your tuxedo. And you think, “Oh yeah, I better get started on that groomsman stuff I’ve been meaning to start. After all, the wedding’s only a few weeks away.” Again, on with your life.

All of a sudden it’s the week of the wedding, you haven’t picked up your tux, you haven’t gotten a hotel room, you don’t even know where the bride and groom are registered so you can’t get them a gift yet, and the possibility of having to say a few words at the reception is upon you and you haven’t given it a single thought because you’re more busy than any human being ought to be.

What do you do?

No seriously, what do I do? Because this is where I am right now. This is the first wedding I’ve had to participate in, and I feel a little rattled at this point. The wedding is June 13 and I feel very far behind.

So, good people of Suffolk, do you have any advice for what must be the world’s worst groomsman? Am I very far behind or right where most groomsmen are at this point? Are there any words of wisdom I could use in a wedding toast you’d like to extend? I could really use the help.

Go to and leave me some advice as a comment to this column this week. I’ll take anything: wedding gift ideas, advice about not sweating as I stand in a hot tux, saying the right thing at the reception, etc.

And does anyone in Suffolk have time to go pick up my tux for me? Just kidding. Maybe…